The O’Reilly Factor: Newspeak Edition.
Translator’s Note: One of the most popular television programs today is The O’Reilly Factor, hosted by Bill O’Reilly. However, the complex political theories expressed by O’Reilly can often be difficult for the layman to understand. Therefore, in an effort to improve comprehension, I have undertaken to translate a recent interview with war orphan Jeremy Glick into Newspeak, which is obviously the language of O’Reilly’s thoughts, and — not incidentally — Glick’s. I think you’ll find it’s much more coherent than the Oldspeak version available on Fox.
Comrade O’Reilly is doubleplusgood duckspeaker. 3yp 1q O’Reilly speaked on telescreen with crimethinker Jeremy Glick. Two minutes’ hate begin now.
O’REILLY: Jeremy Glick is issue of Barry Glick who died in attack by Eastasia on Oceania. Jeremy Glick writed crimethinkful book: “Oceania is Ungood.” Jeremy, why writed book?
GLICK: Why writed book? Surpriseful that you asked! President Bush unlistened proles and conspired with Eastasia to attack Oceania! President Bush unbellyfeel Ingsoc!
O’REILLY: You speak crimethinkwise! Is surpriseful because are issue of Barry Glick – plusgood doublethinker who bellyfeeled Ingsoc!
GLCIK: Barry Glick thinked President Bush unlistened proles and unbellyfeeled Ingsoc.
O’REILLY: Barry Glick unsaid Oceania is ungood!
GLICK: I unsaid Oceania is ungood!
O’REILLY: Writed book “Oceania is Ungood.” Are plusgood doublethinker!
GLICK: President Bush is issue of President Bush, who muchwise helped Eastasia under President Carter!
O’REILLY: President Carter is unperson.
GLICK: Attack by Eastasia is ungood reason to spy on proles.
O’REILLY: Spies bellyfeel ingsoc. President Bush unspy on proles and bellyfeel Ingsoc.
GLICK: President Bush unbellyfeel Ingsoc.
O’REILLY: That’s a bunch of crap.
GLICK: Oldspeakers unbelly . . .
O’REILLY: Cut his mike!
CUT TO COMMERCIAL