Blues v. Firefly
We here at Alexrock.com pride ourselves on asking the tough questions. Questions like, “Who would win in a fight – Erin Esurance or Kim Possible?” and “What else could we turn into a self-propelled automaton?” Today I’m going to attempt to answer the toughest question of all, one which may have no true answer.
Who is more awesome: John Belushi or Groucho Marx?
There’s no denying that between them these two have created some of the greatest characters
and funniest movies of all time essentially without even acting: each just went up in front of the camera and acted as he always did, with some supporting actors to change the context from movie to movie. This is what makes them both infinitely more awesome than, say, Ben Stiller, who made up a hilarious character in Derek Zoolander but has never been funny on any other occasion and was obviously acting the whole time.
Deciding which of these timelessly cool icons of American culture is most awesome is naturally difficult, which is why I’ve chosen to add some structure to the question by breaking it down into categories. Whoever wins the most categories is probably cooler, with the caveat that both are at least twice as cool as the next coolest person on Earth, Bill Murray.
The categories that I came up with are:
1. Career.
2. Sidekick.
3. Babes.
4. Quotability.
5. Personality.
CAREER
This category is meant to take in the whole of the contestant’s acting career and measure its value in terms of contribution to the global culture. Obviously, because we’re going to all this trouble to decide who’s coolest, they must be fairly close, which means that length of career is the decisive factor.
In this respect, Marx wins hands down. Belushi was a flash in the pan in the late 70s and early 80s, producing such hits as Animal House and The Blues Brothers, as well as several of the best Saturday Night Live sketches ever, before being cut down in his prime by an overdose of cocaine and heroin. Marx, on the other hand, lived well into old age – doubtless due to his steady diet of gin, cigars, and saltine crackers. He made a half-dozen movies that I can think of, and then went on to television in the 50s. He was on a game show of some kind whose name I forget, but from what I can remember he didn’t really have what you’d call a “part” in the show – his job was just to sit there and crack obscene one-liners every few minutes. On one occasion his comment was so funny and so lewd that not only did the show’s censors cut the tape-delayed broadcast before it could be aired, but they had to stop broadcasting entirely for several minutes while everyone in the room regained their composure.
You could certainly imagine Belushi doing something like that had he lived, though instead of placidly puffing a cigar and occasionally chiming in with a smart remark, he would have probably ranted and raved across the sound stage like a drunken gorilla – a difference of style, not effect. Alas, because he picked the wrong drugs, we never got to see what Belushi could have been.
Winner: Groucho Marx.
SIDEKICK
No hero is complete without a sidekick. Some sidekicks are lame and even slightly gay, e.g. Robin from Batman or Superboy from Superman. Others are nearly as awesome as the hero himself, e.g. Spock from Star Trek or Mr. Bush from the Horatio Hornblower series. Belushi and Marx both had sidekicks, so they deserve comparison.
Marx’s sidekicks were the rest of the Marx Brothers, without whom none of his movies would have been complete. There’s no question that they held up their end of the various movies and provided a light-hearted repose from Groucho’s rapid-fire delivery. On the other hand, their gags were only good for so long, and while Groucho had an extensive solo career, no one ever invited Zeppo to be on a game show.
Belushi didn’t have a memorable sidekick in Animal House, unless you count his good friend Jack Daniels. In The Blues Brothers, on the other hand, he had an extremely cool sidekick in the form of my personal hero Elwood Blues, played by Dan Aykroid. Elwood made that movie what it was by providing the straight man to Belushi’s Jake Blues, yet didn’t miss a chance to kick the ass of an entire Winnebago full of country music singers, brilliantly sabotage an elevator in a way that I’ve always wanted to try, and deliver some of the best deadpan shtick in the history of the universe. What’s more, Aykroid went on to make The Blues Brothers 2000 which, even without Belushi, was still a good movie, even if it didn’t measure up to the original.
Dan Aykroid is pretty awesome all by himself. As Belushi’s straight man, he rules.
Winner: John Belushi.
BABES
Groucho Marx was always hitting on Mrs. Teasdale, who wasn’t all that hot but was apparently loaded, which shows that he had his priorities straight. After all, if your wife is rich, you can always hire a hot Latina maid. On the other hand, John Belushi almost married Princess Leia, then blew her off, probably to play the blues and/or get smashed. Case closed.
Winner: John Belushi
QUOTABILITY
Both Belushi and Marx are intensely quotable. Quotability is good because it allows laymen to pretend for only an instant that they are briefly almost as cool as the man who made up the quote. Who hasn’t watched Bluto Blutarski and pals call for “a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part” and wished that he could somehow be in that exact same situation, saying that exact same thing? It’s stirring in the same way the Gettysburg Address is stirring.
The flip side of this is that, as the Gettysburg Address is only useful in a very limited set of circumstances, so are most of Belushi’s best quotes. Alex Rock and I drove well over a thousand miles so he could say “hit it” like Belushi, and we were 106 miles from Chicago in the wrong direction. Most of us will never lead a banned fraternity in a spectacular raid on a homecoming parade, no matter how awesome it is when Belushi does it.
In contrast, some of Marx’s best quotes are one-liners that are widely applicable. Anyone who’s ever been asked to join any club of any kind has had the opportunity to bust out, “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” Marx’s snappy punch lines are much easier to adapt to everyday situations, which makes it easier to pretend that you’re as cool as he was.
Winner: Groucho Marx
PERSONALITY
This is a deliberately vague category that I included to capture that unique quality that made each man who he was. How could this article be complete without mentioning the incident in which John Belushi stole the Bluesmobile while on a bender during the filming of The Blues Brothers and took off without warning or provocation, only to be arrested in Iowa the next day for driving recklessly, while intoxicated, without a license, in an unregistered, un-street worthy vehicle. How balls-out can you get?
Likewise, Groucho Marx is classy beyond words. Sure, Belushi makes the “COLLEGE” sweatshirt and the plastic sunglasses look cool, but when I first got to college there was a credit card company offering free “COLLEGE” shirts, just like Belushi’s, to anyone who signed up for a card. Over the next week, I saw every skinny nerd on campus wearing one – and at Case, that meant like 9,000 people. It’s cool when Belushi wears it, dumbass. Not you.
On the other hand, Marx’s brand of cool was classic. There is no person in the world who couldn’t benefit from nose glasses, a top hat, and a cigar. That means everyone, from Courtney Love to Osama bin Laden. Groucho Marx was cool while still being restrained and gentlemanly, which makes him far more accessible to the average Joe.
The winner is clear for the purposes of this essay, but the result is not without controversy. Feel free to chime in. I’m off to go drink gin and smoke a cigar.