Glenn Beck is a loathsome rat bastard.
For those of you fortunate enough to have never heard of this shitbag, Glenn Beck is the host of CNN’s oh-so-creatively named “Glenn Beck on Headline News” TV editorial-splosion. I hear he wanted it named “The Glenn Beck News Program With Glenn Beck,” but it wouldn’t fit on the screen. Anyhow, if you want to experience this jabbering, vacant windbag in all his glory (you don’t) his show is on like three times a night. He is the personification of pompous ignorance and jingoistic douchebaggery; a zombie Joseph Goebbels in a pink sweater.
If you don’t have a TV, you can go to his website. The effect is not the same, because just reading his words doesn’t fill you with the same visceral urge to kill that watching him does, but at least you can get a sense of it.
Also, his fleas spread pestilence.
Moving on, why is Glenn Beck such a goddamn swine? Now, I’m not going to start talking about “conservative bias” like some of the other people who hate him. All news is biased to one degree or another, so I can’t single him out for that per se. Calling Glenn Beck a conservative is like calling Nicolae Ceauşescu a liberal, and I’d hate to sully the name of decent conservatives everywhere. So, other than that, Glenn Beck is a dick because:
1. Glenn Beck is a cad: One time, he had some woman on his show, and they were talking about how stupid it is to post naked pictures of yourself on the internet and then not expect your co-workers to eventually find them. I forget the context, but it’s not really important because right after this woman made her final point, Glenn Beck had the damned impertinence to invite her up to his office so that he, Glenn Beck, could take naked pictures of her. See for yourself.
Naturally, the woman is like, “WTF?!” but then they cut to commercial and you don’t get to see his balls being kicked into his throat, which is a pity, really. This is CNN, you bloody scoundrel, not Howard Stern. If the guest gives you a hard on, you’re supposed to keep it to yourself. Time was, that sort of shit would earn you a duel from the nearest gentleman wearing gloves, and it’s a shame that that can’t be the case today.
2. Glenn Beck hates America: Glenn Beck hates Truth, Justice, and the American Way in a way that Superman villains couldn’t even begin to fathom. He favors torture and thinks that immigrants don’t deserve access to the court system. He hates kittens, apple pie, lesbians, baseball, and the right to peaceably assemble. What’s worse, he calls the comic “Marmaduke” delightful. Marmaduke should be put in a duffel bag with rocks and thrown into Lake Erie, along with his owners and the cartoonist who draws him.
I digress. America is the place where all of the craziest, ballsiest people in the world come to do whatever they goddamn please. It always has been, and that’s what makes it great. If Glenn Beck had his way, we’d be a nation of Glenn Becks, and would be deservedly overrun by barbarians.
3. Glenn Beck is a jingoistic blowhard: By this, I don’t just mean that Glenn Beck supports this policy or that policy with regard to the war in Iraq. No, I mean to describe something deeper — a frame of mind, if you will. In another life, Glenn Beck must have written propaganda posters during World War One, because that’s the only thing I can think of that has the same feel. They both have the same unreasoning, clueless xenophobic boosterism.
Every time he gets up on TV and explains in his asinine way how the Iranians are “evil, pure and simple,” or refers to the apparently-ongoing “third world war,” I can’t help but think of Hugh Laurie in Blackadder Goes Forth when he talks about “giving the Huns a jolly good British-style thrashing,” just before charging into machine gun fire. I wish Glenn Beck would charge into machine gun fire.
4. Glenn Beck is an unbearable, pompous twit: He makes Bill O’Reilly look like Voltaire. If MAJ Burns from the early seasons of M*A*S*H had a TV show, he would be Glenn Beck. He’s uneducated and boorish, can’t read and doesn’t bathe. He is all that is detestable in mankind shoveled into one cheap suit. Case closed.
In conclusion, Glenn Beck and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad should be locked in a cesspool together with spurs and rusty scissors and made to fight to the death. The winner gets the luxury of starving to death.
A real man doesn’t need a signature.