Keith's Rants

So, after that last shitty post, Alex changed the program that he uses to create this thing, which is good in that it’s a better system but bad in that I had to learn how to use the new one, which is why no posts in three months. Once I got around to it, it took less than a minute to figure out, but it’s that “getting around to it” part that’s 90% of every problem.

Anyhow, on to the point of this. Those of you who watch TV will have noticed two animated series: Kim Possible, a Disney Channel show about a crime-fighting cheerleader, and the series of commercials for Esurance, a San Fransisco-based insurance company, starring a pink-haired woman who seems to be a spy of some kind. According to Esurance’s website, her name is Erin Esurance, and she even has a “secret diary” for the sickos among you to read.

http://www.esurance.com/home/ErinsBlog.asp

Anyhow, the two are animated in a similar style and have similar themes, which is what first led me to associate them. Once I had done so, the first question that came to mind, of course, was “Who’s hotter: Erin Esurance or Kim Possible?” I was all set to write an update, too, when my girlfriend pointed out that Kim Possible, as portrayed, is about 16 years old, and therefore fails the crucial “younger than my sister test” of hotness, which results in instant disqualification. Erin Esurance, on the other hand, seems to be in her late 20s and has a job. That done, I was forced to turn to the next logical question: who would win in a fight?

The issue, as I see it, comes down to firepower vs. brains, a lot like a Tyson vs. Ali fight (Ali in eight rounds by TKO). In her commercials, Erin Esurance is seen to use a whole arsenal of batman-style gadgets to rappel down buildings, blow up robots, and so forth, and can also drive a car. In contrast, in the 30 seconds of Kim Possible that I’ve actually watched, I’ve never seen her use anything that she doesn’t have in her purse. Naturally, this gives her a huge advantage. On the face of it, it seems as though the fight would look a lot like James Bond fighting Woody Allen — over in a matter of seconds and kind of lame.

This is where brains come into it. When she’s not blowing up robots, Erin Esurance’s main activities seem to be flirting with her male sidekick and pushing car insurance. She doesn’t seem to have a lot of depth or any brains to speak of, which is not surprising once one considers that she is an insurance saleswoman at heart.

But, you say, isn’t Kim Possible a cheerleader and teenage girl — not groups known for brainpower? Correct in principle, fair reader, but in this case it seems that the exception proves the rule. As portrayed in the Emmy-winning television series, Kim possesses gifts of both wit and stratagem. I envision the fight going something like this: Erin Esurance blows some stuff up, then stands around flirting with her sidekick, during which time Kim Possible takes 30 minutes including commercial breaks to devise some clever plan which ends in her sailing in from off screen and kicking Erin’s head off, causing her metrosexual boyfriend to faint. The end.

There you have it. For now, though, the contest remains hypothetical, so I encourage reader input. I don’t know how to put a poll on this thing, though Alex told me at some point, so you’ll just have to write in.

A real man doesn’t need a signature.